Libertarian Jokes-Cows Explain Government

Of the many jokes that Libertarians have passed among themselves over the years, the "Cows Explain Government" joke has survived for many years as a staple of movement humor.

Intro

Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help.

Feudalism

You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.

Pure Socialism

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Socialism

You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You're both forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow.

Bureaucratic Socialism

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need.

Fascism

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism

You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Communism

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for you share of the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you get it.

Dictatorship

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarism

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy

The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate." The cows are set free.

Democracy, Democrat-style

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

Democracy, Republican-style

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood.

Indian Democracy

You have two cows. You worship them.

British Democracy

You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

Bureaucracy

You have 2 cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it requires you to fill out forms - in triplicate - to account for the missing milk.

New Deal Bureaucracy

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms - in quadruplicate - accounting for the missing cows; and a separate set of forms for the missing milk. Revenuers soon show up at your front door, with one of the sixty-two US Supreme Court justices in tow, to seize your 'illegal' production.

Left-anarchism

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Corporate Capitalism

You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead.

Singaporean Democracy

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism)

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

Environmentalism

You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Bureaucratic Environmentalism

You have 2 cows. You file a 7,000 page environmental impact statement - in triplicate - and wait ten months for a response. Then the government declares your property a wetland and bans you from milking or killing the cows. Then it 'accidentally' drops a 55-gallon drum of an extremely poisonous chemical on the pasture, killing the cow and giving you cancer. The government manages to draw out the court case for six years, and its government-paid judge declares the case moot when you die prior to trial.

Feminism

You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Foreign Policy, American-Style

You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man's farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally.

Bureaucracy, American-Style

You have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have the finest health care system in the world.

American Corporation

You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President's re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in order to stimulate the economy.

Japanese Corporation

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they drink a lot of sake.

German Corporation

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair.

Russian Corporation

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka.

Italian Corporation

You have two cows but you can't find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good.

French Corporation

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with all your demands. Life is good.

Political Correctness

You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant, capitalistic past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt a calf.

Counterculturalism

Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Political Libertarianism

You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Protectionism

You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You take out a huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the loan and the cow from then on. Then you try to milk the bull, and blame the Japanese for its lack of production. You bribe the government to ban imported milk and increase farm subsidies.

Drug War-ism

You have two cows. The government outlaws possession and distribution of cows, then arrests you for possession of a controlled animal with intent to distribute (you did have TWO cows!) and locks you up for life. While in prison, your cell mate offers to trade you a cow for a carton of cigarettes.

Canadian Bureaucracy

You and your neighbor are contesting the ownership of two cows. A Royal Commission is struck to study the issue. Three years after both cows die, the Commission releases its preliminary findings, which states that the evidence either way is "inconclusive".

Florida Keys

You have two cows. The government decides it is in your best interest to regulate your cows' milk production. When you raise a stink, you are appointed to the Milk Restriction Citizens Advisory Board. Together with a bunch of government scientists and non-profit organizations, you study your cows to death.

Political Correctness

You have two cows. The cows move into your house while you move into the barn and barely get by raising organic vegetables.

U.S. Governmentism

You have two cows. Late one night, a renegade IRS agent sneaks into your ranch and cuts off the left ear of one of your cows without your knowledge. You find out when the victim cow gets an infection. You have to purchase antibiotics for the cow and you also must pay the tax. You are sued by the FDA for milking a sick cow, and for practicing medicine without a license. You are sued by the EPA for killing bacteria and for failing to file an environmental impact statement. You are sued by the ATF for practicing an unlicensed religion involving cow ear sacrifices, for conspiracy to manufacture a firearm without a license, and for suspected child pornography. You are sued by OSHA for creating an unsafe workplace where someone could step on a cow's ear. You are arrested by the FBI for trading in cow parts without a license. They want the last known whereabouts of the cow's ear. You are slandered by a PBS program. You are attacked on TV magazine shows "Sixty Idiots," "True Lies," and "Twenty Panties". You are harassed by animal rights activists. You have to sell the cow with two ears to pay your legal bills.

Libertarianism

You have 2 cows. You can do whatever you like with them as long as you don't interfere with the lives and property of others.

Anarcho-Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.